


The Sin of Smiling

by deskclutter



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: angst in spades
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-22
Updated: 2010-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-10 05:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/96162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deskclutter/pseuds/deskclutter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gonou smiles, a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sin of Smiling

  
**The Sin of Smiling**

Cho Gonou is an orphan.

It is mildly disconcerting to be the only one left. He has never been without a member of his family before.

It is not as disconcerting as his first parting from his twin. That is what Gonou remembers the best.

  
They smile at him, all the time. That is also disconcerting. Gonou does not dislike that word. It is useful in describing his emotions at this time.

"It's all right to be a little bewildered," they tell him, fluttering over him in worry and concern as black mother hens over a self sufficient chick. He does not like that word. It sounds too unpredictable, too unlike how a Cho Gonou bereft of Kanan should sound. Cho Gonou without Kanan has nothing but the bare necessities because he does not have Kanan to pull the world into perspective.

Their smiles are false, empty promises of a better future. "It will be all right," they coo, sickeningly sweet. False. It will not be all right. "You'll adjust in time." Again, false. He will never be able to adjust without Kanan.

False, false, false.

Gonou turns away.

  
Smiles are false, Gonou thinks. They smile as they kill him, keeping his shell away from Kanan. They smile as they force the idea of a loving god on him. There are no gods. God, by definition, is a force that assists, that brings good. No god would prevent him from staying by Kanan's side forever. God smiles as he dies. No one wants to die. No one dies smiling. Gonou knows. He's dying in this orphanage and he can't smile, can't force his lips into a grimace of amusement.

Dying feels a lot like incompletion.

  
God is smiling as he dies. He's an angel, a son of God. "He is bearing all your sins, Gonou," they tell him, smiling. "Doesn't it make you feel grateful that he died for you?"

"I never asked him to," Gonou says. "I cannot see what I am to be grateful for."

Their smiles don't slip. "Ah, he's still distraught over his father's death. It's natural," he hears them whisper. False.

God smiles as he bears their sins. He is bearing their lies, he is bearing their falsehoods and their judgements and their little blinded fictions. It is not a pronounced smile, the barest upturn of a dying man's lips. Gonou occasionally wonders if all the crucifixions feature a dying, smiling man.

God lies. No one is happy to die. No one dies with a smile on their face. No one dies for another man's sin.

God dies with a sin on his face.

  
Sin is the measure of a man. How far will he go? How long before he stops?

How far will another go to save him?

"Ah," Gonou says as he opens his eyes. "This is a mundane sort of hell."

"Oi, who's mundane?" says the other man.

Sin is an inability to do what is right. Gonou supposes that he has sinned. He could not save Kanan, in the end.

Gonou without Kanan is empty, is dying slowly.

Gonou smiles.

* * *

Cho Gonou has always needed a hug.


End file.
